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goddammit, i told myself i wouldnt cry but i am anyways..

i love all of you guys and i thank you with all my heart. you are all so dear to me. <3

all day, i was crying. i cried so much, that i thought my tears would run out. but they kept pouring that i couldnt stop.

i didnt tell anyone. so no one knew.

i was driven all day today. what a horrible way to mourn.

i was stuck in the back seat of a car for a good 8 hours alone. but i guess i needed it.

as my ride was driving me around, every time they sped up or drove illegally... i wished i got into a car accident.

i wanted the car to drive into something so bad.

every time they sped up and drove crazily, i closed my eyes and wished with all my heart to get into a car crash.

and it was because for some reason i felt like the universe would switch us. switch who would live and who didnt.

this was the first time in my life that i wanted the universe to choose me instead of someone else.

and i didnt care.

because Jessie is a wonderful person, and i wish i knew her more.

i kept thinking of how much the world is unfair.

so many thoughts crossed my mind and all of them made me wonder so many things.

i havent spent one minute not thinking and mourning about her.

this feeling sucks so much..

but i believe she deserves it.

i didnt even personally follow her blog, and i knew nothing about her. but i still wanted her to take my life instead.

this should of never happened.. this is so unfair..

i wondered so many things.

i wonder if she is watching me right now mourning.

i wonder if she wanted others to cry.

i wonder if she wanted to be remembered as 2p france

i wonder what she would say if she saw us all like this..

..i wonder if she wants us all go attend her funeral...

... i know i would...

she died so young, and its all so.. is so unfair.

its unfair, unfair, unfair..!!

i became so depressed and angry at the world, i snapped at 2 people today. it was horrible.

im no good with deaths.. but this made me so heart broken and.. i couldnt function the whole day.. that must say something..

and i thought

"what if i died tomorrow?"

"how would anyone know?"

"what would anyone do?"

life is unpredictable.. i wish i could go back and find out more about Jessie, and get to know her..

... and i just wanted to say..

if i died young

got into an accident

or ended up in the hospital

i want someone to log into my account

and announce it so everyone can know

because i dont want to disappear

not like that

and at my funeral, i want to be laid in a bed of bright red roses

and be dressed casually

i want everyone to be invited

yes, that includes those who are on the other side of the country

i want my day of death to be the anniversary of a usuk wedding, because i can

and i want all my hetalia family members to wear hetalia. because i can.

everyone must wear red. dont forget that.

i want someone to convince my family for this to happen, and to pay for everyone's plane ride to come visit <3

i want to give away my hetalia stuff in my room to all my watchers. i dont care how, ship it to them or something.

i want to be buried back in my home land. or sent away in the ocean on the beach of where i was born.

i want all my doodles n' papers with drawings on them to be scanned and uploaded. so everyone can see what ive been up too.

i want to buried with my glasses on

and i want to there to be a chocolate fountain at my funeral. preferably 3, because chocolate fountains are good.

and.. i want everyone to wear a rose on their chest. where their heart is. even me. <3

ah. no one should think that they have to follow every single rule in the world. life is too short. live life to its fullest.

make people remember you. <3

everything you do is worth something. there is no one alive who isnt important. and everyone should just smile. because smiling makes other people happy and feel good. and everyone deserves to feel that way.

dont waste one second. do whatever makes you happy. enjoy life while it lasts, because who knows what will happen tomorrow.

i love you all so much. please dont forget that. <333

thank you.



//edit; okay, re-read the 2p blogs and im sobbing my eyes out. my chest fucking hurts so much right now.
please, universe. if you can grant me just one wish, i want you to take me instead of her. thats all i ask. so please..

beek.. anyone.. if you are happening to read this i.. im so sorry... i know how much this must hurt but.. i wish i was there to help you and comfort you.. oh god, brooke, im so sorry...

12.7.2012 by CaptainJellyroll
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Pyonn-kun Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Student
Jelly, you can't wish for death on yourself, even if others have died... D; Live for her!! I'll bet she wanted you to be happy!! In the end, we all have to move on, though we still should remember, right? Yes, you can remember and cry over her, and we all will, but you have to live your life!! Jelly, you deserve to be happy, okay? ;u;
yuuuma Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012  Student Digital Artist
However much we wish we could trade places I think we should continue living in memory of her. She was a wonderful person.
I know I don't know you all that well, but I still want you to know you've made in such an influence on me. I'm really glad to know you and talk to you when I can, Jelly! :iconsupertighthugplz:
SpottyHiro Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Oh Jelly! Don't kill yourself over this! Saying you wanna die hurts me inside to hear. We love you very much so! I don't like seeing you like this! It makes me sad.

I know how you feel and I feel the same way. I lost many good people in my life. Jessie was awesome! She had a beautiful 2p!France ask account! But don't think she wants us to remember her in tears, but in her art. But If you still need a shoulder to cry on I'm here for you!

If you died on me, I would regret everything! Your Amazing, Jelly! Never forget it! You know I would come to your funeral, even if it killed me! I would wear that rose proud on my heart to remember you! I would never forget you, Jelly, NEVER!!

I can't really hug you and say 'Everything will be alright' because I know it's not true. But Jelly, stay strong! Not just for me but for your watcher, fans, and Jessie.
jadchan Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Student Artist
I'm so sorry. I cried while reading this. Trust me dear, I know what you're going through; it has happened to me before. I'm sorry if this offends you but I just want to say that I think Jessie wants you to live a happy life and not morn over her death too much. I think she wants you to live life happily; not sorrowfully and in pain. I just wanted to say that dear.
TheBroken-Glass Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Student General Artist
ah.... god.. i think... i think im seriously going to cry... ive heard of people dieing on the news, and i"m a little depressed, but i never quite cry.. and i dont know why. but after i read your journal entrys, and found out what happened..



there are no words.


....all i can say, is i wish i could hug you straight through that goddamn computer screen right now, and hold you tight..

because in these situations, just need... someone to cry with.....
Marikokitty Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
StorybookofHope Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Hobbyist
I know how you feel... I honestly do. Last year my best friend died in a car accident while I was on the phone with him. It was horrible... It was one of the worst things that had ever happened to me. I remember the feeling of wanting to die. Wanting to take their place... But you can't, Tea. You can't take her place. Death is the worst thing in the world, but it does happen... I wish it didn't, but it does... But dying won't help that. You need to live, and be happy. You have to live. That's all you can do. As Damian told me once, "Don't be upset because they left, be happy that they were there." I know it will be hard, it will be, but you have so many people here who will lend their shoulder to you to cry on. I'm here for you. Even if you don't want or need me to be. I promised that I'd always be here for you, and I always will be. I've gone through so much death, so if you need someone to talk to, I'm here.

Just remember that we all love you. Because we do.

- Molly
PrincessCelestia908 Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Aww Jelly, don't wish death to yourself, everyone here loves you. I consider your as one of the bestest artist and friend i ever had. You're sweet, kind, adorable. :hug: Deaths are really sad, i know, it breaks our hearts into alot of little shards. Don't forget that everyone here wants you to feel better. I hope you feel better soon
Beyond-Invisible Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
I'm sorry you hurt Jelly, I wish I could give you hug.
And don't forget that we love you too, and I consider you one of my best friends. Please don't wish you were dead, we all love you and it would hurt people just as much.
I wish I was wiser, or that I had something better to say.
And I wish I'd taken the time to look at this girl's things before, because now... It just seems like it'd hurt, even if I didn't really know her at all.
And please, please don't forget that we all love you.
If there's anything I can do, just... Let me know okay?
xXNeko-BakaXx Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Geez, it took me a bit to read this with out tears, but still I stated crying.
I understand how hard death can be, trust me. But no matter what, sooner or layer we have to go on. Everyone dies at one point or another, but sometime people die young, and you wanna blame and hate everything. But you can't. You have to push on and keep going, that's the only way to make it through.
But seriously, don't wish you were dead. You mean to much to me, your friends, and your watchers. If you were dead, I don't know how I'd press on, but I know I would do what you said. I rather have you live a longtime though.
You know I love you, and I'll be here to talk if you need someone, I've gone through 4 deaths, and 3 suicides in the last 2 years, so I understand the feeling. But like I said, I'll be here if you need me, and if you don't, I'll just wait here till you do.
pleaseignoremenow Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012
Jelly, please don't be like that, when you say that it hurts my heart. I know I sound selfish saying this but, jelly, we need you. With out you another star dies in the sky. Many horrible things happen, things that you feel like it shouldn't happen, but still do. Things that are very unexpected, but, in the end there's a reason why. All things come to ends. Come on Jelly! Your strong! You have a full beautiful life a head of you! Don't waste it, cherish it. For both you and your friend. You know that she wouldn't want you to do that for her.

So please, stay strong and live your life to the fullest. I'm sure Jessie would have wanted that.
mrsomeuser Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012
;; Please don't think like that; what happened already happened. In the end, one way or another, people we hold dear will leave. There are many people that care deeply about her and there are many people that care deeply about you. Sometimes people die young, sometimes they die old, but no matter what, they live on in another person's memories. <3 Jessie was a nice lady and I'm sad as well for not talking with her at all.

I'm very glad to have known and met you Jelly. :heart: And so are many of your watchers, friends, and families.

black-feather1013 Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012  Student Digital Artist
I'm so sorry Jelly. ; n ; I'm sorry I don't have any wise words for you to make this any easier. But I'm glad that I was able to find your art and you. You're an inspiration to me and probably a bunch of your other watchers. I wish I could meet you right now and give you lots of huggles and make you feel better. > . < It's terrible when someone's life is taken away so soon. If you need anything, you can talk to me. I'm all ears dear. c': Feel better, and we all love you~
Xephos49 Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm sorry to hear about that. :( I know how you feel since I too lost someone close to me. There are times when I think like what you said to, like the part of if anyone will remember me, let everyone who knows me would attend my funeral, let some of my secrets out, and that sort. I'm glad to hear that you're now okay (I hope you are now) and it's true, everyday is one more day that we're alive. We can't always be guaranteed that we'll live our life to the fullest to try to do it as if today is your last day. I'm glad to also see that you let us know what was bothering you, showing how much you really do love us. Be safe and be careful Jelly. I'm sure I can speak for all us watchers and friends out there so I'm sure we will all think "We love you too" at the end of your journal.

Personally from me, thank you for being my friend Jelly. I'm very happy to have met you in real life and for the fun times together, even though they weren't much and very short.
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Submitted on
December 8, 2012


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